Life Coach

The Life Coach was a woman who loved to help others. She found happiness in it. I’m going to call her Life from now on. Life was of average height, average weight, average looks, average intelligence and had above-average empathy. Her intuition however, was below average. Law of averages? She gave very idiotic advice to her patients that always turned out right. For example, one time she thought slapping someone’s boss was a good way to gather respect. Instead of firing the guy, his boss hired him to be his right-hand. Of course it was for a loanshark, so the guy would go around breaking people’s legs, but it was still alright because he was making bank off of Americans that lived through conspicuous consumption, with all of the “buying things you can’t afford and complaining about being broke as your legs get mangled” that came with it. Another time, she told a girl who was upset with her boyfriend’s lack of dominance to exert some force in the relationship. Turns out, she was really comfortable as a dom. She was 5’0. However, Life wasn’t perfect. She had her bad cases too, but those are boring because they go how a sane person would expect them to. And I just said all her cases turned out good. So decide for yourself. Anyways, it was stupid stuff. Tell a mob boss to go fuck himself, get shot out back. Stand in traffic, get run over. No one really came back to Life because she got them metaphorically laid by life or fucked by it. By fucked I mean dead. Always dead. No investigations though. Now that I look back at her, I think she had amazing luck. Maybe they did get her in the end. I don’t know and I don’t care.

Anyways, there was one case I wanted to tell you about. The reader, not you as in a specific person sorrypleaseforgivemefuckyou. It involves the motherfucking man himself, Big Bird. You know, from that Looney Tunes shit they’d show on Wednesdays. Or was it Tuesdays? I don’t remember. Life had in this really jittery guy, I think he didn’t use his name. Initials. QT. He apparently wanted to stay anonymous, was a big guy around some parts of the world. He said he really wanted to make love to this girl he was working with. But he had several bizarre fetishes that kept him from truly enjoying the act of fucking. Foot stuff, domination stuff, weird shit to a normal person but it could have been worse. Anyways, Life tells him to let things fall into place. Go with the flow. Hippy nonsense. She tells him, “The first sign life gives you, take it.” He said thanks and left. Nothing fancy. He was bumping voyager in his car and QT thought to himself, “I should take her on a fantastic voyage.” He laughed at his joke because it was about sex if you get it. So he calls her up, tells her he needs her to come with him to shoot at a new location. Let’s call the girl Scar. No she didn’t have a scar. So they go, just driving into the night. QT needs to use a restroom so he stops at a gas station in the middle of nowhere. He gets the keys, goes into the stall, does his thing, and comes out. They get back in the car and drive away onto who knows where.

They end up in Hollywood and QT is really nervous now. I wonder why. He sees a sign advertising Sesame Street with Big Bird played by the guy that played Bane in The Dark Knight Rises. He mutters under his breath, “Bravo Nolan.” and pulls into a parking lot. They get out and Scar is bored at that moment. He keeps his head level, and takes her hand. They go into the theater and Scar is visibly confused. QT tells her it was really all a clever ploy to go on a date with him. Visibly disgusted, she agrees to sit through it. Turns out she didn’t know what the movie was, but Scar grew up on this stuff. They had the smurfs and the muppets and all sorts of stuff in the show, it was crazy. So she’s getting really into it and QT takes his chance to put his arm around Scar. She cuddles up against her seat but she couldn’t get too close because the cup holder slash arm rest things couldn’t be adjusted. QT at this point is sobbing quietly to himself, in joy that he got this far and in self-hatred that she even took the time to glance at her phone when he called her in the first place. He excuses himself to go to the bathroom. In the bathroom someone thought it would be a good idea to place a gigantic cut-out of big bird in a corner. The eyes lit up red whenever someone walked past. So QT is taking care of business once again and is just glaring at this thing, their eyes locked in a staring contest. He blinks first of course, but the image of the cut-out is burned into his eyes now. He finishes what he’s doing and walks back into the theater. At this point Scar is visibly excited at the movie and QT takes the chance to cough. Scar is breathing more heavily and is warmer, but QT doesn’t notice why as he puts his arm around her. The movie finishes, they go home. He asks if she’d like to come over to his mansion to get some midnight spaghetti and make love. She nods quietly. They drive home for two hours in silence.

They get into QT’s mansion, there’s sculptures everywhere. Of what, I won’t say because it’s quite awful. So they’re eating their spaghetti and QT is troubled by his thoughts of Big Bird. He can’t get that image out of his head. The red eyes stare back at him when he closes his. Two red dots, like two dots from snipers trained on QT and Scar’s foreheads. I mean that doesn’t happen but it was like that. They go to his home theater where they can enjoy their cold spaghetti and watch Kubrick films like true patricians together. They’re really getting along now, QT occasionally letting a tear fall from his eye and Scar grunting quietly in an attempt to show her affection. No, don’t even ask. I don’t know. So they start making out, and one thing leads to another. QT equipped a fanny pack filled with any essentials he might need throughout the night so protection is covered. It’s beautiful, you could have filmed it and marketed it as the first truly beautiful act of sex ever recorded. QT finishes but as if time freezes, Big Bird flashes in front of him. His arms are spaghetti, the room is spaghetti, his vocal chords are still the same. You know what he did? He screamed, “I love you Big Bird!” at the top of his lungs in the movie theater.